It’s true! Men have hearts, too. They are not all out for sex and a woman to do their bidding like our inner FEAR voices tell us they are. Truth be told, they are looking for someone to connect with just like we are. I’m going to show you 3 simple steps I took to connect his heart.
He just simply wants to be a Hero.
Rod proved it to me. But, again, my dear ladies, IF I had not been learning this when I met him, I never would have known that he was just as nervous as I was to go out. Maybe even MORE nervous because he hadn’t dated much since he had lost his wife.
I was practicing how to R.E.L.A.X. and that helped me to stop being so uptight about the impression I was making on him: how I looked, how smart I sounded, how I was going to stop him from taking advantage of me.
Aren’t these the crazy things that go through our minds and, truth be told, keep women from even trying to date when they are in their 50’s and beyond.
Well, I had tried everything else with men I like and nothing had worked so this time I decided that I was going to really try to connect with this man’s heart – who he really was inside.
Step 1: Know The Secret That Lights Him Up
Now Rod. He broke the mold for me. Without even realizing it, guess what I did!
I gave him what he needed most.
What’s that, you’re asking? It’s a magical word when it comes to men.
Affirmation. In my words, a sense of whether or not he has my respect. Was I going to accept and admire the Hero in him (perfect or not) OR force him into a place where he would always be trying to to please me?
Know anyone who tries to do this with her man? There are too many who do. And it never works for them. This is exactly how NOT to connect with a man’s heart.
From the First Date
Did you know that the first date is often like a job interview with the men that take us out?
If he likes you, he will talk to you just like he does to his buddies. Ever listen to their conversations? It’s kind of like what used to be the, “My dad is tougher than your dad” discussion that little boys have.
He will brag a bit. He will want you to know how good he is at doing the things he loves to do, how smart he is, how great he is. That’s the “Hero Instinct” you’re seeing.
Think of how little boys, again, naturally gravitate to playing Super Heroes when there’s no damper on their imaginations yet. We see it happening in our grandsons so naturally.
Wanting to be a Hero is part of a man’s DNA. It’s simply how he’s made. And doesn’t change over time unless he has given up on himself.
I’ve heard it from a lot of my friends and clients…you may come away from that first date thinking he’s “all about himself”.
But slow down a little.
It may just be his nerves talking out of his desire to impress you. It most likely means he likes you. So, unless you absolutely feel creepy with him, go out with him 2 more times to really begin to see him be more of himself with you.
Step 2: Find and Admire the Hero in Him
if you want to catch a man’s attention, connect with his heart. Use what you to hear to validate the qualities that you can admire in him. Even if he’s not exactly what you’re looking for, during the time you’re with him, you can always find what’s strong about him if you’re looking.
It may be his insights or perspective.
It may be his abilities.
It could be how much strength it takes to do what he does.
It may be the uniqueness of his opinions and thoughts about anything he talks about.
Or what great taste he has.
Step 3: Tell Him What Hero Qualities You See
And watch his interest perk up!
One addendum here: be sincere. This isn’t flattery or manipulation. It isn’t lightly trying to build up his ego.
It’s the truth of what impresses you about him and is something that will make him feel important, appreciated and noticed.
This comes from your heart, not your head.
Listen as he’s talking. I did my best to forget about myself when I first started going out with Rod. I paid attention to my spidey senses, overall, but I wanted to know him and who he was. I wanted to draw him out so I could help him to show me all that he stood for and valued.
I wanted a deeper relationship than the surface, sexy attraction that fizzles out in a short time. I wanted that heart connection with him.
I found it a lot more fun (and less scary and more fulfilling) this way. Instead of asking what he could do for me, I turned it around. How could I encourage him as a person and bring a little light into his life during the time we were together?
Watch him relax – it’s fun
When you are with him, be open to him when you meet him and see him as a PERSON – not a POTENTIAL HUSBAND. Very important.
Smile. Always smile. Be into your S.O.F.T. because that’s where you feel your confidence. You got this, my girl!
Breathe. Relax. (Use the principles in my R.E.L.A.X. Dating method.)
Sense his nervousness because he WILL be as nervous as you are. Then help HIM to relax by listening and asking questions about what he’s talking about.
First, you might say something like: “You won that race? Wow! That’s impressive!”
Second, you may explain: “I say that because it’s not everybody who has the skill or the courage to accept that kind of challenge.”
Third, ask him questions. “How did you become so interested in bikes? How did you learn to so much about riding?”
Asking a sincere question makes your compliment more real. It shows you really care AND you get to learn something, too. Again, it keeps things interesting.
I promise you that, somewhere along the line, he will hesitate a bit and look at you with this interested expression. Just for a few seconds.
What will he be thinking? Well, I can almost bet it will be something about you being different from any other woman he’s ever been out with. Sincere interest is detectable and he will like that about you.
I saw Rod become more and more intrigued and relaxed around me. I didn’t even really know I was connecting with his heart. I was just doing my best to NOT focus on me and any FEAR voices coming up for me.
I listened, I admired and I commented on the qualities it took for him to be involved in what he was interested in, to handle certain situations, to do what he had to do.
He knew I respected his sales abilities, the skill it took to be a hockey coach for so many years, his care for his family, his strength in walking through the death of his wife.
Result: Enter the Hero
I know it’s because Rod felt my respect and admiration that I began to see the best in him. He didn’t feel as if he had to prove himself to me. Or pretend he was something he wasn’t. He has told me this often.
As our relationship deepened and we spent more time together, he revealed his own ability to listen and to ask questions about me.
To care for me. To love me.
To go out of his way to be sure I was happy, content, warm, comfortable…
He became one of the most accepting people I have ever had in my life. I haven’t had to be anything other than who I am.
We call this “Michelangelo Love” and you can learn more about it by clicking the link.
Absolutely amazing, I tell you!
We have continued caring for each other like this all through the almost 8 years of our marriage now. Every day we both feel it.
One of my greatest joys has become to see the smile on his face when I know what I’ve said or done makes him, again, feel as if he’s my Knight in Shining Armor. There’s no feeling in the world like doing this to connect to his heart.
It never gets old – even though WE are… *Smile.
In our minds, this is always who we will be – a Knight and his Lady. It’s magic!
Here is the tapestry we have hanging in our home. It reminds us of who we are to each other no matter what.
So the take-away here is this: If you want to truly see who this man is and connect with his heart, bring out the Hero in him by recognizing and acknowledging his strength, his intelligence, his courage.
And don’t be afraid to tell him what you see as often as you see it.
More on how to love heart to heart: Check out Michelangelo Love.