One of THE MOST AMAZING things I came to understand is that my heart was starving for love. Every relationship, every marriage ends because it leaves your heart crying for what you need.
I followed Tony Robbins for this very reason – he could explain what I needed and how I was attempting to meet those needs. And it wasn’t always in positive ways.
Over the Moon, Never Leave Me Love, as he explained it, is between 2 people who are meeting each other’s Heart Needs at an 8 to 10 out 10 level.
It’s like a magic key to know this about love.
These 6 Needs helped me to begin standing up for this crazy heart of mine.
How did I know my needs were being met? I looked for how I felt when I was with a man.
Did I feel safe and secure? Did I have fun? Did he challenge me? Did he understand what I needed in order to feel special – and actually make the effort to do that for me? Did I feel “at home” with him – connected, belonging, cherished?
You will spend all of your life attempting to meet the first 4 – and that’s where you need to start in assessing yourself.
NOTE: Your brain will focus on filling 2 of these top needs. Which do think are your top 2?
Heart Need #1: Certainty
Losing love left me in a place of extreme uncertainty.
Was I going to be able to pay my bills? Was it my fault because I was just too difficult to love? Where was I going to live?
The result is that you feel as if you are walking on top of an earthquake.
I am the same as many women – I need safety, security, a sense of some predictability so that I know I’m taken care of. The majority of us have this as one of our Top Heart Needs.
Be careful how you meet this Need
Lacking certainty, security, feeling safe will drive you to do things you may not be proud of to bring back this feeling of safety.
…You might talk trash about your ex or someone else in your life just to feel as if they are wrong and you are right.
…You might chase a man shamelessly just because you want the safety of being in a relationship again.
…You may take a job that is less than the best for you and then stay there forever just so you have some sort of income and don’t have to go through uncertainty again to change.
…You may stay with someone who abuses you just because leaving is too scary and uncertain.
Do you get the idea? These Heart Needs drive what we do.
How To Know He “Gets” Your Need for Certainty
Commitment. This is the Magic Key that will meet all your needs for certainty and security and safety with Mr. Perfect For Me.
Without commitment, we flounder and feel this slight anxiety inside because we’re not sure he’s here for good. That’s insecurity. Uncertainty.
The man before Rod didn’t respond to me when I said I needed to hear his voice at the end of every day. I told him I needed that because it assured me he was still there when I was so afraid of being abandoned again.
He said he was too tired to call at night (we were in different cities) so he couldn’t promise. How do you think that made me “feel” with him?
On the other hand, when I knew Rod well enough to tell him about my fear of being left again, he responded by putting his arms around me and telling me he was never going anywhere. He was here in my life and was going to love that fear away.
How do think THAT made me feel? (smile) It brings a joy to my heart even telling you that. It still comes us, by the way, after 8 years together and he still patiently tells me the same thing.
It took time through the Relationship Dance, as I call it, to learn to know what we both needed and if we could be there for each other but, in the end, he stayed. And he now does his best to create a world for me where I feel as safe as possible.
He is my Rock. And that gets me through the ups and downs life throws at us.
Heart Need #2: Variety
Variety is the opposite of being bored. It includes being challenged and solving problems – it’s not all about fun though shaking up your life together by doing something awesome and new is definitely part of this Heart Need.
There are times all of us end up feeling stale. Same old routine. Same old sex. Same old places we go to eat out or for entertainment.
Be Careful How You Meet This Need
You can get yourself in trouble because this Need for Variety in your life can sneak up on you in a flash.
You can find yourself partying too hard –
…taking advantage of one night stands
…chasing a man for his attention
…eating sugar just to break the monotony of the day
…going to events with people you don’t even like that go against your values just to have something to do.
The search for fun and change can get us into all kinds of trouble, right?
How To Know He “Gets” Your Need For Variety
Rod is amazing for me because Certainty is the #1 Need for my heart but he knows that I need to change things up a bit in order to stay in love with life. I love that about him.
I steer away from things that push me out of my Comfort Zone. So he encourages me to push my limits and always manages to do it respectfully, with gentleness. (just the way I need it)
When we started talking about our Bucket Lists in the early days of getting to know each other, I told him I had always wanted to go white water rafting. Frankly, I was terrified to do it as I am of so many things where I feel there might be danger but I thought this would be something I could handle – some day.
He heard me. And what did he do?
He set it up, booked the date, paid for it and made sure we got there. We did it!! And it was so fun!
We both survived and it became the first of many things that have bonded us.
After all this time together, we are still trying to keep the Adventure going by finding new places to explore and trying all sorts of new things as we can – including in the bedroom.
I can’t say enough how laughing together and sharing new experiences is good for both of us because it re-creates a new zest for life.
Heart Need #3: Significance
I remember asking my sister-in-law how her new marriage was going. We had both been through the devastation of long time marriages and divorce. I was so sad and lonely at that time, wanting so much to find the man of my dreams as she had.
I remember her telling me that one day she was walking out across a field where her husband was working and, as she walked, he watched her. She was in her ratty work clothes, no make-up, hair nothing special. When she reached him, his smile was lighting up his whole face as he tenderly told her, “You are so beautiful.”
“Bernice,” she said, “I feel absolutely cherished.”
I wanted that. I craved that. As I said previously, my heart was starving for this.
Be Careful How You Meet This Need
We all have this deep down, hidden need to feel special. We’ve been made that way because, I believe, it’s a motivator for our hearts so we will look up and know that, no matter what we do or what happens to us, our Creator loves us more than anyone else in this entire universe can. Just as we are.
That same Being also made relationships with the intention of giving us someone to counteract that whole fear of not being enough.
Knowing someone believes in us makes all the difference in how we tackle whatever is thrown at us or how we live out our own individual purpose.
The danger here is that as SOON as someone creates the feeling of being special and beautiful and wanted, we want to stay there. We sometimes will create what we call an “imaginary relationship” in our heads.
So – we latch onto the person we believe is going to be “the one” we have been looking for. We believe he’ll come around and be the person we need.
We’ll do almost anything to keep them loving us. How often I’ve seen it! And been there myself.
The first attractive man who said to me, “Hello, beautiful lady” took my breath away. Remember, my heart was starving for words like these.
I attached to him like glue! I laugh now at the song by Sugarland, “Stuck Like Glue”…because THIS is kind of what I was like with poor William.
And he was SO wrong for me! I thank my lucky stars he turned me down so many times!!
You don’t want to humiliate yourself like this. Don’t become a Stalker just because you need someone in your life to make you feel as if you matter.
How To Know He “Gets” Your Need To Feel Significant
Fast forward to Rod, the man who turned all of this around for me – at 54 years of age!
…A day rarely goes by when he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful.
…He has never said to me that he gets tired of telling me he loves me (because it’s a known fact that women “forget” from one day to the next and need that reassurance).
…he is my biggest champion when it comes to my writing, my coaching and my passion for helping women like you to find love.
…he accepts my mistakes as just that – mistakes. He doesn’t mock me or condemn me ever.
…he waits for me when I’m late, when I’m slow, when I don’t understand something, when I’m in a mood where I don’t want to be touched.
…he treats me with great respect and honors how I’m different from him.
…he makes me feel as if I’m worth listening to. My opinion matters.
You know yourself. STOP and think about how you feel when you’re with him and when there are times you feel shut out or pushed away or put down.
Can you tell him how you feel without him getting all upset about it? Does he truly make an effort to understand?
Does he care and does he do his best to create a place for you where you feel special and important?
Then…yes, he is most likely someone who can meet your need for Significance.