The BIG QUESTION: Have you been trying to please someone who was impossible to please?
Let that sink in. Be honest. Were you trying to please a man who was impossible to please? (I’ve been there, done that, totally bought the t-shirt.)
Here’s the thing that you need to make your own mantra for the next 1000 days, not just 21…
Even if you were the BEST woman in the world, did everything perfectly, gave 1000% to him, he never would have been able to love you like you need to be loved. He just couldn’t. Otherwise, he would have.Bernice McDonald, Open to Love Again
Your Self-Challenge: Make a list of all the ways that you are enough.
Know what? The best antidote for the FEAR of not being good enough for him is to turn the light on in your heart and realize that it’s actually his loss.
And, it really is, because you know that you would have given him everything.
Truth be told, you don’t need to live up to ANYONE ELSE’S expectations… to please a man or a mom or a child. You need to live up to your own expectation. Just your own. What does that mean?
It means having your own values and standards which are only between you and God. The way you believe it’s best to live is who you are. And it’s OK to be WHO YOU ARE.
On top of all that, you have amazing, courageous qualities which you have grown ALL BY YOURSELF. Yes, you have.
They have come out of your experience with this man (or, let’s be honest here, other men who are just like him).
The sad thing is, while you were so busy trying to please a man, you let go of pleasing yourself. You may have let your standards slip. You might have done or condoned things that raised a sense of guilt or disappointment with yourself inside.
Go get your Dream Journal from the last Challenge because I want you to write the following in it so you can look back and remind yourself later over and over. Use the list above as a thought starter.
Look at you! You don’t need to live to please any man:
**Supportive beyond going the extra mile
**Kind even in the face of unkindness
**Able to protect your heart because you are smarter, wiser now
ADD more to this list…you know your own heart.
It’s amazing how much we learn and how many amazing qualities we grow when go through tough times.
It’s Time To Let Go of Pleasing Him or Any Man: Find Your Peace
You were tired. Exhausted. It’s time to let go of the exhaustion of trying to please someone who simply couldn’t be pleased.
See if these statements ring any bells… He was never happy with you. You did your very best to please this man give him what he needed, to make the world as right as possible for him, to not do what irritated him, set him off or bring out his insecurities.
But it had become an every day job. And you were burned out. And so it was time to make some decisions.
Maybe you decided to throw up your hands and just be yourself, letting him deal with it.
It probably didn’t go well.
That was when either he decided he would get out or you decided it was time to walk away.
This was the case in Brenda’s marriage. It was like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole.
They had been together in high school but it was a “love me and do what I need” kind of one-sided situation, even then. Drinking was his recreation. She, on the other hand, had alcoholic parents and wanted nothing to do with it. Because her dad and mom were often not able to, she ended up as caregiver for her siblings and often for them, too.
Caring for a guy who was in the same situation felt familiar and normal to her. She could do this. She could be his protector and do her best to make his world as right as possible even though it meant giving up what she really needed.
We all know what happened, don’t we? It was an abusive relationship that was often ugly, volatile and left her empty, angry and afraid.
Freedom is not needing to please anyone – replace the guilt and false ideas
It’s time to realize this one thing that is going to bring you freedom.
Brenda went for all kinds of help and support – smart lady. You’re smart like that, too, if you are here, reading this.
She learned that you can’t love someone who loves an addiction more than he loves you. Or he loves being angry and controlling more than he loves you. You will never be able to please a man like this.
I call him a “Tree Stump Man” because if you were to ask a tree to love you in all the ways you need to be loved, it couldn’t, right? It’s a tree and maybe a pretty great one.
Your man may have been someone who is pretty great in many ways – that’s why you fell in love with him.
The fact is that if he ISN’T ABLE to love you in all the ways you need to be loved, he isn’t able to. It’s that simple.
He may have narcissistic tendencies that came out of childhood trauma and his wounds are too great to be fixed by you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have great qualities.
It means that trying to be in a relationship with him is like banging your head on a brick wall to try to break it down and get through. You’re the one who was always getting hurt. No matter what you did, said, became…you couldn’t please this man.
He will never be able to love you as you need to be loved UNLESS HE IS WILLING to find some healing and takes the steps to change on his own. Only out of his own desire to be better, to make something different of his life, will that change ever come.
It isn’t all about YOU not being enough
You’d be amazed how many women believe that, after being in a relationship with someone struggling with narcissism, somehow it’s their fault. They weren’t enough for him and that’s why he left.
If that’s you, the time to stop is NOW. Stop thinking that there was something more you should have done, could have done, to keep it all together.
The truth is, you are/were exhausted from trying to please someone who wasn’t able to be pleased – and never would be.
When these crippling thoughts are still plaguing you, you will never be able to close the Back Room Door.
You will constantly be thinking that you are going to do something wrong again and the man you want to love you will leave.
Or, worse, you will attract someone exactly like him – same man, different face. I’ve seen it over and over. That’s what happened to me. I call it “Relationship Insanity”: doing the same relationship over and over and expecting different result.
“I deserve more.”
“I deserve better.”
“It’s his loss because I am an amazing catch!”
These simple shifts in our thoughts and beliefs are what helped Brenda to find a man who loves her BECAUSE of who she is and has never asked her to be anyone else.
And it’s how I found my own Mr. Perfect For Me, too.
Close the last door to pleasing and open a new one to being yourself…
Let go of him, close the door on that chapter and grab onto the beauty of who you nave now become – BECAUSE of all you’ve been through.
You gave it your best. He couldn’t respond. So, if you decide to, you will find someone who can. It’s that simple.
If you love someone else with this much passion, and he is ready and willing to grow with you, imagine how he is going to fall into
Over The Moon, Never Leave Me Love with you!
Your Door Closer…
Here’s the link to the others so you can practice replacing those old Back Room beliefs with new ones.