If there’s anything I have realized about finding the courage to attract a man again after divorce, it’s the importance of having an open heart. These are 7 shifts I made within my heart that changed me forever and, I believe, resulted in me being able to attract the man of my dreams.
Well, one sign of an open heart is that you are able to “receive” – something women are not very good at doing at the best of times, right? Receiving attracts a man to you because it’s very natural for him to “give”. Giving is his way of protecting and providing for a woman.
“Giving” is like breathing to him.
When we insist on doing it all ourselves, living in our competent, independent sides when we’re with a man, it actually makes him feel as if there’s nothing much for him to do. He isn’t needed. And he’ll withdraw from us.
On the other hand, we can also come to the place where we are so afraid that we will never find love that we bend and adapt to a man’s whims and fancies in order keep him. As long as we have a man – any man – we feel valued. This is also does not attract a man and will not hold onto anyone except, perhaps, a narcissistic man who will just use and abuse us.
I want you to find love. No matter your age or your stage. Or your shape or your confidence level. Love is the juice in life and no one should be without it if she doesn’t want to be.
So here are 7 shifts I made in my life that led me to Rod which will also help you to attract the man you dream of loving you.
1. Beware of the “D” Word…It Will Not Attract A Good Man
To start with, there was a word that described me perfectly which was totally ruining my chances of finding a great love and attracting all the wrong guys. That word is “Desperate”.
Now I didn’t know I was DESPERATE but, I did feel these niggling little feelings that were rooted in that crazy, not so little thing called “FEAR”.
FEAR told me that I would never attract a man to love me.
FEAR told me that I was not enough to be in a healthy relationship and that’s why my marriage fell apart.
FEAR told me that I wasn’t even worthy as a human being…and that belief came from my Back Room. A result of the long, broken road that had led me to this point in time.
Can you relate to any of this?
Because I was desperate, when I approached dating or a relationship of any kind, these FEARS showed up and kept me from protecting myself. I was afraid that I would find out what I feared was actually true. I wasn’t enough to attract a man and keep him.
FEAR blinded me and kept me settling for less than what was right for me.
Perhaps I should say I would “cling” to anyone who was even slightly interested. I’m not proud of it. In fact, I can’t believe it now!
Clinging to someone equals chasing them, pursuing them, obsessing over them, demanding a man’s full attention, jealously guarding his every move to be sure he isn’t straying.
This is NOT going to attract any man. And will never allow you to actually grow a great love.
I desperately needed to get rid of the desperation.
Do you see what I mean and why?
2. Believe in the “Other D” – It Will Attract An Amazing Man
My now-husband is the sweetest man on earth. He blows me away when he says that, when he met me, what impressed him the MOST was that I was so calm, had such an open heart willing to receive, was intelligent and just seemed to know what I wanted and where I wanted to go.
WHAT??? How did I go from the “D” word, “Desperate” to the “D” word, “Diamond”?
Like I said, it blows me away that I was able to attract a man like him. But I guess it makes sense because I had finally learned an invaluable lesson.
When I met Rod, I had struggled an entire year of my life with a man who, in the beginning, seemed to be on the same page about relationships as I was. But when it came to actually following through on some of the decisions we were making together, he “ghosted” me. In other words, he disappeared.
I ended up begging for that man’s attention.
Desperation Leads To Begging For Attention
Without actually telling me he was done with our relationship, he left. We lived about 7 hours apart so it wasn’t difficult for him to just stop texting and emailing and not answer my calls.
Ever had this happen to you?
I could have curled up into a little ball and fed into the whole FEAR BARRIER that all men are the same. JERKS!
Or I could have focused on the belief that I wasn’t enough, that it was all my fault. I shouldn’t have said “this” or I should have done “that” and I’ll never get it right (and, believe me, I did a lot of that).
Result? The LAST THING I would have had was a heart that was open to receiving love.
But, without even realizing what I was doing because I had been doing it for so long at that point…I stood up for my heart. And I let him go with my greatest blessing.
How? I started to believe that I was worth better. I had value.
3. Know What You Want In The Man You Attract.
One thing I had always had going for me was a strong determination in me to prove that real love did exist. If he was out there, I was going to find my very own “Mr. Perfect For Me”…
Who wouldn’t leave me.
Who wouldn’t ghost me.
Instead, he would see the beautiful parts inside me and say, “Wow! That’s amazing and I want to know you more.”
It was my biggest “WHY” that kept me going. So…let me ask you. What’s YOUR Big Why? What is going to keep you going toward your heart’s desire even when the going gets rough?
In that year when I was in an “imaginary” relationship with Mr. Disappearing Act, I created and began to read and re-read “No More Crumbs“. This became a foundation for me, a turn in the road.
The hurt of rejection was still there but, instead of listening to the DESPERATION voices FEAR was attempting to force onto me, I, unknowingly, ended up stepping into my Diamond Self.
4. RELAX Into Your Soft Strength
Believe it or not, THAT was what became the source of my ability to “receive”, one of the most crucial things that will attract a man.
I was Strong
the “S” in S.O.F.T. – from the Inside which began to make it possible for me to be soft and receiving on the outside.
I was Open
The “O” in S.O.F.T.: my eyes could see the heart in someone else; my heart was open to receive the love being offered to me. I was open to the joy and good in life again.
I became more Feminine
This led to the “F” in S.O.F.T. – I could be the compliment to a man’s masculine. I could be FEMININE. I could let myself just “be” and give up the decision making, planning, taking care of everything which are qualities needed at work and in running a home but are actually exhausting to a woman.
What a relief to know that I could lay that down for a while and just let someone else take care of me.
Exactly, again, the feelings which attract a man and pull him to you like a magnet.
I stepped up to be more True to Myself
The “T” in S.O.F.T. gave me the most peace. I relaxed into being True To Myself. Just me. I learned what food I liked, what food I didn’t. I learned to say “No” if I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere. I learned how I enjoyed dressing, what I needed to unwind and what kind of things I wanted to fill my mind. It was exhilarating!
Beautiful lady, I was done with men messing with me. If a man couldn’t meet me where I needed him to be, he was an unavailable Tree Stump Man. I realized that I was asking him to be something that he could never be – like asking a Tree Stump to be my love when it’s just being what it is…a tree stump. It can’t respond to me.
A man who doesn’t respond to you or treat you as you need to be treated may not be a bad guy. But NO MATTER HOW YOU ARE WITH HIM, he will never be capable of loving you, It’s just simply who he is. And he doesn’t have a place in the Story of your life.
5. Make A Vow To Never Settle Again. Stand Up For Your Heart.
NO more crumbs. I wanted the whole cake. I was going to attract a man who COULD be who I needed him to be.
Well, my entire body relaxed. I became what every woman wants to be – CERTAIN. SECURE. But it wasn’t in a man or because of a man.
The certainty came in knowing that I was embracing my own ability to take care of my heart.
I knew what I wanted. And the Diamond Woman in me, the Warrior part, wasn’t going to settle for less, no matter how long it took to find someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.
Even if – now take note – even if I NEVER found anyone who fit with my heart.
Even if it meant being alone for the rest of my life, that would be OK. At this point, I have come far enough to know that I had a bigger life to live beyond relationship.
I wasn’t going to shut my heart down.
I was going to open my heart up even more to RECEIVE all the love flowing toward me from unexpected places. This is something I had been practicing for a while and suddenly I knew what that meant.
Love comes in all kinds of surprise packages and I was going to open my eyes to start noticing.
And when those gifts came, I was going to say, “Thank you” and receive a hug from my grandbabies, time with my daughters, a small appreciation expressed at work, the warmth of the sun on my face…
Joy comes to us in so many surprise packages if we look…
My heart needed filling...and the sources that could pour over me and meet that need were actually endless – if my heart was open to RECEIVE them.
The love of a man was not the only source. Oh yes, I still prayed with an even greater confidence now…
“Lord, send me one of your Knights…”
Only days after this shift from Desperation to Diamond happened, there he was. My Knight. Rescuing me when my car wouldn’t start.
6. Practice Receiving and Attract the Man of Your Dream
His first words to me: “I couldn’t help overhearing – I think I have booster cables. I could see if I could get it started,” he said as he approached me tentatively, smiling out of those kind eyes.
What went through my head in an instant?
At first, the FEAR voices talking. “He’s a stranger. You don’t know if he’s safe. And it’s awkward to accept help. You have help coming.”
But THEN, another voice piped up.
My Diamond Woman voice. It said, “RECEIVE. Remember – you are learning to receive. Open your heart and accept” (which, by the way, became something that has helped me so many times in our marriage, too).
I was in a public place. It was 30 below C outside and I just wanted to go home.
So I RELAXED. And accepted, “Would you mind? I would appreciate that so much.” I think this was one of my most precious lessons in learning to R.E.L.A.X. A sense of relief washed over me and I could smile at him genuinely.
It was a bit awkward sitting in his warm truck where he said I should be as it was so freezing outside (a gentleman gesture) while he diagnosed and tried to fix the problem. But it felt SO good to let a man look after something I knew nothing about, I won’t lie.
In fact, when I got home that night, I cried out of relief.
7. Start Believing That Any “Chance” Encounter Can Attract the Man of Your Dreams
I had no idea if he was single or married. It turned out that his wife had died a year before and he was very lonely. He didn’t think I was single either. He was just a giver. A gentleman. A man who wanted to help a woman out who was stuck and on her own.
Exactly the kind of man who turned out to be “Mr. Perfect For Me”.
In fact, he laughs now because he says I was putting feelers out to let him know I was available. In reality, I was expressing how grateful I was when I told him that one disadvantage of being a single woman is having car trouble. And that I was especially grateful for his help.
Little did I know that I was doing something else that is key in attracting a man. Gratitude gives a man exactly what he craves most because it helps him to feel like a hero. It goes a long way, believe me, ladies!
On this night, in this very every day type of experience, the door opened the way for us to get to know each other.
Who says that God doesn’t have a sense of humor? He answered my prayer for a Knight and we both often chuckle together in amazement of how our love came to be.
IF I Had Chosen NOT to Receive That Night…
I often think that IF I had closed my heart…
IF I had decided to stop believing that good love did exist and existed FOR ME…
IF I had let FEAR (or pride) talk me out of accepting the help…
Then, I would never have RECEIVED one of the greatest gifts offered to me in this life.
NEVER give up. Find that Diamond Woman who lives inside of you and let her out to attract a man as you learn to RECEIVE all the wonderful surprises waiting for you!